All posts tagged reft

When the wind is southerly, I know a hawk from a handsaw

by Drey on April 23, 2006 in Life, Reft with No comments

At the end of the day, “sanity” just means that you agree with everyone else, you approve of the arbitrary status quo. But I don’t. It’s like being on a rollercoaster, that weird thrill of having the ground just fall away, the whole world drop like a spinning plate and you realize you’ve never been standing on it. The rational machine is whirring away, doing its job to make sense of the data. It churns out rational explanations, perfect bricks of logic coming off a conveyor belt. It will happily slit its wrists with Occam’s razor.

A few years ago a scar mysteriously appeared on my right arm. It was the rune Raidho, backwards. I showed this to people and they immediately began weaving incredible theories which they defended as a logical explanation. One friend explained that I must have gotten drunk some time back in college and as a gag one of my friends decided to carve the rune into my arm. I somehow forgot about it until I saw the scar almost a decade later. His mind recoiled at the thought of something just appearing from nowhere, which it had.

My therapist studied the scar very intently. I presented my theory about a demon leaving my body and he suggested that it left the scar as a mark of its passage. This seemed a more reasonable explanation than the drunk college night scenario.

The scar has been fading gradually over the years. Only the long back of the R is visible. What, don’t *your* scars disappear too?

So I don’t really have a use for your status quo. I shouldn’t have to apologize for the things I have witnessed, for the damage done to me. There should have been real help. Not the doctors trying to sell me some drug.

Manic Sunday

by Drey on January 15, 2006 in House of Whack, Life, Reft with No comments

A manic day. Felt annoyance and even hatred for people I cared about. Cussed out a virtual stranger. Everything was overwhelming and full of possibility. Ideas unspooled from my mind, tangent upon tangent, a fractured window of possibility. Couldn’t ignore anything. Magazines unfolded the future, foretelling all manner of innovations. Couldn’t *not* think about it. Playtested the game again and things kept creeping in from the edges of the rooms, things that weren’t there, could never be there. Wine to take the edge off things. Drove home and chatted with new astonishlingly gorgeous neighbor. Sit in my apartment and sigh about distances measured in every possible way.

33

by Drey on December 22, 2005 in Life, Reft with 1 Comment

“33” is the name of the first episode of Battlestar Galactica, season one. It’s also how old I turned a few days ago. There was a cake and a birthday wish. And, like some kind of weird 80s after school special, my wish came true.

I feel like I’ve lived a whole lifetime in one week. I’ve witnessed such horrible, astonishing revelations. I’ve been confronted with the core issues, dissolved multiple illusions, and revisited more plot threads than anything “previously on Lost…”

I felt things fall away from me with a clank, like some heavy, rusted, leaden thing.

Wine tonight, I babble. ‘Night.

Time Stand Still

by Drey on December 10, 2005 in Life, Reft with 2 Comments

Damn these blogs. Behold our fossil record. My words, a decade old, frozen in the amber of Usenet. I am not one to take photographs, preserving time. I believe in the sacredness of the moment, a soul that cannot be captured. So I do not write for the sake of preserving my thoughts, but the mechanism preserves them even so.

In thinking about how we have timeshifted ourselves in blogs, I realized that some people timeshift *me* in their minds, interacting with an archived version of myself.

There is a version that has never done drugs or gone to bed with strange women.

There is a version that is still a childhood friend.

There is a version that is still in love with her.

There is a version that has not grown, learned and healed.

There is a version where there is still a tower.

And then there’s Me. I’m standing over here. Put that thing down and look.

“Acceptance of Loss”

by Drey on December 10, 2005 in Reft with No comments

You stupid fuck.

-Ro.

Isn’t it ironic?

by Drey on December 10, 2005 in Reft with No comments

I notice that many responses to my blogs are from people who don’t identify themselves or who use different names. Sometimes they change the name they use. All these different names and people. And *I’m* the one who has to post in a consistent voice with a single name?! It’s like I’ve manifested my internal state on the blog, like my internal world will always reach out to impact the external one.

The Needs of the Many

by Drey on December 6, 2005 in Reft with 1 Comment

Tommy wants someone to play with and feel safe with.
Taran wants someone to talk to.
Ramirez wants someone to dote upon and swear vows to and adore.
Romero wants a peer to talk to and he wants someone to protect.
The Other wants to fulfill the work of loving and bringing light. That’s overly simplistic, but I don’t know how else to translate it.

These seem complementary and not unreasonable.

Inside

by Drey on November 30, 2005 in Dreams, Reft, Writing with No comments

It occurred to me recently that my dreams happen almost exclusively indoors. Malls, hotels, houses, vehicles, etc. All interior scenes. I never dream of being in the desert or the jungle or flying through the sky (even my flying dreams take place indoors). The one dreamlike place I used to visit that wasn’t indoors was a green hill. Now there is just a fountain of light where a tower used to be.

My stories often have many outdoor scenes involving travel and expansive locales. It seems there are two types of subconscious forces at play here: one that presents when I am passively seeking it (asleep) and one I dip into actively. There may be a balance in this, as one subconcious is aware of the other, seeking to pull it outside of its confines.

Numb and dumb

by Drey on November 25, 2005 in Reft with 1 Comment

Ordinarilly I am a kind, considerate person, but tonight I didn’t feel anything at all. Not the music, not the people, no feelings. There were two songs I could feel and I could dance then, but I went back to feeling nothing at all. I closed my eyes and the whole world went away, but it wasn’t any different when I opened them. No one around me seemed to be there, they didn’t show up on my radar.

And I’m old enough to take care of ourself. I don’t need to make someone help me. It’s the worst thing to do when you are me.

Better climb in the window

by Drey on July 30, 2005 in Reft with 3 Comments

’cause I’m closing the door.

Super disconnect in

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